So, it’s been awhile since my last blog. Turns out blogging scares the bejesus out of me. Turns out blogging isn’t the only thing that scares the bejesus out of me. I’ve been coming face to face with a lot of different fears this year and it’s been humbling and really illuminating to recognize them and proceed anyway.
First, I should say, on Tuesday the 18th of September I will be signing a contract with my very first legit agent. This is someone who will get me into film, TV and Theatre auditions that are often hard to get into without representation. I’ve been working toward this goal for years, but with even more of a singular focus this last year, and it’s finally come to pass. You’d think this would make me feel elated, invincible, validated, etc. Instead, I felt a huge swell of fear and broke out into a rash, first on my forearms, then on my upper arms and shins, and finally on my thighs. A really itchy rash with angry raised bumps that made me want to rip my skin off at night. I thought, if anyone wanted to get information out of me of any kind right now, I’d be putty in their hands. Just make this itch stop.
It did, eventually. And when it subsided, I thought, I wonder if this rash was fear related. Not only did I get this offer from Gary Epstein of Phoenix Artists Agency to represent me, but I also signed up for a 42 Day Book A Job Challenge with Dallas Travers (a career coach for actors) right after the offer. My goal for the 42 day period? Book my first TV costar role. I told Dallas about the rash and she said, “It doesn’t surprise me. You’re “upleveling”, moving out of your comfort zone, and your nervous system is trying to warn you and protect you.” It’s shouting, we’re in unfamiliar territory! Abort mission. Return to safety.
It’s been just fascinating to me to see how huge my fear is around getting what I’ve always wanted. I’m having to take actions scared and then be really gentle with myself and watch an episode of Breaking Bad to decompress. It’s not a bad formula. Thank God for that show.
So, I’ll check in and let you know how I’m doing with my 42 day challenge (today is Day 3). In the meanwhile, this whole experience is encouraging me to work on rephrasing my inner voice from “Why haven’t I got more to show for myself?” to “Why is it so easy for me to book fulfilling, well-written, highly paid acting work?” Why?